Tyree's Stocking Runneth Over

They’re like “stocking stuffers” for a columnist.

I’m speaking of news items that may not be worthy of an entire column themselves, but are nonetheless fascinating to examine.

For instance, the MixedBlessing company is selling “Chrismukkah” greeting cards that combine Christmas and Hanukkah. If we’re so lazy we have to jam holidays together, let’s combine Easter, the Fourth of July, and April Fool’s Day. Hi-jinks would ensue as unsuspecting kiddies chomp down on Easter eggs that are actually cherry bombs. (And their teeth probably wouldn’t be much worse off.)

An Israeli university has successfully created artificial spider webs. I guess next they’ll be working on freeze-dried dust bunnies, microwavable rat droppings, and Plague-o’-Locusts-In-A-Can. (To the scientists’ credit, the webs do have legitimate purposes, such as making surgical thread, producing bullet-proof vests, putting The Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus in jail, etc.)

Other Israeli scientists are using laser beams to zap certain cases of bad breath. If the James Bond approach to hygiene continues, we may see fountain pen guns for trimming your toenails. I know I’ve often wished I had an ejector seat for dealing with flatulent passengers.

One would think that with PLO terrorists lurking about, Israeli scientists would have bigger concerns than halitosis. At least their breath will be kissing sweet when a Palestinian bomb goes off and they kiss their rear ends goodbye.

Then there are the attention-deprived people who will be kissing $49.95 goodbye when they purchase the latest fad item: glow-in-the-dark thongs. Sadly, many of the folks who have no modesty have a lot to be modest about. At least these buttocks-illuminating garments may play an educational role on children’s TV. (“Golly, Mr. Science, is there any way I can possibly invite sexually transmitted diseases faster than just wearing a low-cut blouse?”)

James Gardner, a Portland, Ore., lawyer has written a book postulating that super-intelligent extraterrestrials created our entire universe (stars, planets, comets, black holes, and all). I’ll bet there was a push for zoning after that! At best, Gardner puts Jehovah in the role of a subcontractor. (“You have a bad track record for filling out government paperwork on smiting people, but at least you had the low bid.”)

A Chicago company called LifeGems is offering to turn part of the cremated remains of your loved ones into synthetic diamonds. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering the wave of products and services to get the bereaved to turn loose of more and more money. (“Since you can’t take it with you, we’ll take it with us – to Cancun.”)

LifeGems will probably have commercials with Marilyn Monroe cooing, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend (or at least eight ounces of her best friend).” This jewelry seems needlessly stressful to me. It’s bad enough having to remember your wife’s birthday, without having to remember not to let her fall into the garbage disposal.

I guess if your spouse was a real pain, you could remember them just as they were by having LifeGems convert them into a thong!!

But don’t spend December obsessing over gadgets and weird theories. Remember the reason for the Christmas season. As for Easter, do not pay attention to the new greeting cards. Jesus had more important reasons for coming out of his tomb than just yelling at the neighbor kids for shooting off bottle rockets!

This column originally appeared in newspapers the week of December 6, 2004.