Signs You're Sharing A Tent With The Wrong Civil War Reenactor

20. His rebel yell sounds suspiciously like, “He shoots! He scores!”
19. Has to use an allergy medicine inhaler before singing “Eatin’ Goober Peas.”
18. Always gets Lady Godiva and Nathan Bedford Forrest mixed up.
17. Constantly muttering that Lincoln should have freed the extraterrestrials while he was freeing the slaves.
16. Can’t remember if it’s rock, paper, or scissors that beats minnie balls.
15. Tries to get an urgent message to General Sherman: Priceline.com can save him a ton of money on his March To The Sea.
14. Not worried about amputation, because stem cell research will probably fix him right up.
13. Instead of “the blue and the gray,” he campaigns for “shirts and skins.”
12. His plan to go out in a blaze of glory involves, not a valiant charge on a hill position, but a “wardrobe malfunction” with Justin Timberlake.
11. He has vivid memories of being in Cambodia at Christmas of 1968.
10. Keeps asking the slaves, “Who handles your 401(k) benefits package?”
9. Thinks “stars and bars” has something to do with Charlie Sheen’s drinking buddies.
8. Refuses to raid anything except Atkins-approved supply lines.
7. Facing execution for charges of spying, all he can think of to say in his defense is, “Thank you?”
6. Thinks the Mason-Dixon Line is something new for fall at Old Navy.
5. Upon hearing a cry of “Cannonball!,” grabs his Speedos and water wings.
4. Keeps chuckling to himself and referring to Day 2 of the battle as “the day the zombies arise.”
3. Describes the battles in detail in long letters home to his personal injury lawyer.
2. Swaps his canteen for a belt-loop cappuccino machine.
1. Late at night, suddenly announces, “I haven’t been with a woman since fourscore and seven years ago.”