Gentlemen, Start Your Pacifiers

Since you asked, Melissa is still doing fine as we enter the home stretch of impending parenthood. The ladies at church overwhelmed us with love and thoughtfulness at a recent baby shower. By "us" I mean "Melissa and little Gideon," because I was politely warned that I would be bored to death if I dared attend the all-female get-together. I'm sorry I missed the festivities, but perhaps by the time Gideon is grown, social customs will have undergone a transformation. Maybe someday expectant mothers will also be feted by all-male groups. Here's what one could expect if men ran baby showers: * The baby monitor is perfectly attuned to tell whether the baby is coughing, whether the baby is crying, whether McNair scored a touchdown ... * The Noah's Ark decorations feature the animals' heads mounted, two by two. * Baby booties elicit a round of "Awwwwwwwww - think how many butts he'll kick with those cute little feet!" * Mentions of extreme bladder pain by the mother-to-be are seen as a reminder to bring out another keg. * The teddy bears on the cake are carefully arranged so they won't be damaged when the stripper pops out. * Tobacco-colored bibs are a hot item. * Instead of keeping up with who gave what gift, the guest of honor's brother is keeping up with bets on the Monster Truck and Stroller Contest. * The baby blanket comes with a charming card that reads "May the angels watch over you while you nap - because angels won't wake you up with a #$@# 'honey do' list!" * When the guest of honor tells about being able to work two jobs while carrying the miracle of life, some guy inevitably proclaims, "That's nice, but I can open this here jar..." * Party games involve using baby thermometers as projectiles. ("Thanks for the bean dip, Bubba. Now pull my finger and stand back!") * When the mother-to-be mentions being "registered," someone slips her a bunch of NRA pamphlets. * Attendees debate whether high chair seat belts and electrical outlet covers will turn the kid into a sissy. * Nine out of 10 guys think the "up to 14 pounds" line on the box of diapers means they can go for several days without changing diapers. Doggone it! I've sold myself on the idea. Fellows, I'm going to host an all-male baby shower for Melissa. If you don't know where I live, just ask directions and ... Oops. I forgot the gender to whom I was talking. Never mind. I could just kick myself. Awwwwwwww .