What A Wacky Web We Weave
Originally published in newspapers June 2004.
Martha Stewart notwithstanding, it’s sometimes neat to have insider information.
For 18 years, I wrote the “Dan T’s Inferno” column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” magazine. Although I’ve been away from writing about comic books for three years, my anonymous sources are still coming through for me.
You doubt my connections? You’re not what Spider-Man co-creator Stan Lee would call a True Believer? Then feast your eyes on the following list of The Most Surprising Plot Twists In The Upcoming “Spider-Man 2” movie:
* In an updating of the original movie’s theme, our hero comes to realize that “With great power there must also come great Halliburton contracts.”
* Spider-Man goes over to the dark side and uses his electronic “spider tracer” to cheat at games of “Where’s Waldo?”
* The movie almost ends after just five minutes when “Daily Bugle” Publisher J. Jonah Jameson discovers that the whole Spider-Man story was concocted by those reporters he hired away from the “New York Times.”
* Dr. Octopus and his robotic arms make it through airport security without a hitch, but Aunt May Parker is busted for transporting Weapons of Mass Nail-clipping.
* Superman denounces Spider-Man for being a “hyphenated American.”
* Despite what the movie promos on TV might lead you to believe, Spidey doesn’t resign from super-heroics entirely. He does slow down the pace with his new identity as 17-Year-Cicada Man.
* Dr. Octopus throws the economy into disarray by using all his arms to clip coupons simultaneously.
* Age catches up with the webspinner; his defensive “spider sense” now tingles only to warn him when his fly is open.
* For the climactic battle scene supporters of Spider-Man line up on one side of the street. Supporters of Dr. Octopus line up on the other side of the street. John Kerry wears out the crosswalk.
* Spidey gets rich by suing the architects of the buildings that he keeps getting thrown off of. (Phase 2 of litigation scam: drink cups of scalding hot McDonald’s coffee while fighting crime.)
* Spidey borrows a line from The Incredible Hulk while promoting the purchase of “Spider-Man 2”-related merchandise. (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m remaindered.”)
* Spider-Man becomes the poster boy of “junk science” advocates. (“If getting bitten by a radioactive spider gives you superhuman strength and agility, global warming will make you faster than a speeding bullet!”)
* In a romantic scene, Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker reveals to Mary Jane Watson the secret ingredient in his sticky web fluid: Seabiscuit!
Sounds exciting, huh? Well, hang on to your seats, because it won’t be long until “Spider-Man 3” arrives in theaters. Who will be the villain? The Lizard? Mysterio? Venom? Will The Green Goblin demand a rematch?
None of the above. Don’t quote me, but rumor has it that “Spider-Man 3” will feature Spidey thrashing the most nefarious evil-doers of all: Mothers Who Threw Out Their Kids’ Old Comic Books.
Or have they suffered enough already?
Martha Stewart notwithstanding, it’s sometimes neat to have insider information.
For 18 years, I wrote the “Dan T’s Inferno” column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” magazine. Although I’ve been away from writing about comic books for three years, my anonymous sources are still coming through for me.
You doubt my connections? You’re not what Spider-Man co-creator Stan Lee would call a True Believer? Then feast your eyes on the following list of The Most Surprising Plot Twists In The Upcoming “Spider-Man 2” movie:
* In an updating of the original movie’s theme, our hero comes to realize that “With great power there must also come great Halliburton contracts.”
* Spider-Man goes over to the dark side and uses his electronic “spider tracer” to cheat at games of “Where’s Waldo?”
* The movie almost ends after just five minutes when “Daily Bugle” Publisher J. Jonah Jameson discovers that the whole Spider-Man story was concocted by those reporters he hired away from the “New York Times.”
* Dr. Octopus and his robotic arms make it through airport security without a hitch, but Aunt May Parker is busted for transporting Weapons of Mass Nail-clipping.
* Superman denounces Spider-Man for being a “hyphenated American.”
* Despite what the movie promos on TV might lead you to believe, Spidey doesn’t resign from super-heroics entirely. He does slow down the pace with his new identity as 17-Year-Cicada Man.
* Dr. Octopus throws the economy into disarray by using all his arms to clip coupons simultaneously.
* Age catches up with the webspinner; his defensive “spider sense” now tingles only to warn him when his fly is open.
* For the climactic battle scene supporters of Spider-Man line up on one side of the street. Supporters of Dr. Octopus line up on the other side of the street. John Kerry wears out the crosswalk.
* Spidey gets rich by suing the architects of the buildings that he keeps getting thrown off of. (Phase 2 of litigation scam: drink cups of scalding hot McDonald’s coffee while fighting crime.)
* Spidey borrows a line from The Incredible Hulk while promoting the purchase of “Spider-Man 2”-related merchandise. (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m remaindered.”)
* Spider-Man becomes the poster boy of “junk science” advocates. (“If getting bitten by a radioactive spider gives you superhuman strength and agility, global warming will make you faster than a speeding bullet!”)
* In a romantic scene, Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker reveals to Mary Jane Watson the secret ingredient in his sticky web fluid: Seabiscuit!
Sounds exciting, huh? Well, hang on to your seats, because it won’t be long until “Spider-Man 3” arrives in theaters. Who will be the villain? The Lizard? Mysterio? Venom? Will The Green Goblin demand a rematch?
None of the above. Don’t quote me, but rumor has it that “Spider-Man 3” will feature Spidey thrashing the most nefarious evil-doers of all: Mothers Who Threw Out Their Kids’ Old Comic Books.
Or have they suffered enough already?
posted by Danny Tyree at 9:33 AM
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