Burning His Channels At Both Ends
Originally published in newspapers the week of June 6, 2004.
With the 2003-2004 television season now history, Melissa and I have been tossing around some pet peeves about TV.
How do networks get away with calling a collection of flashback clips “all-new”? Or combining one new episode with one rerun and calling it “a new hour of laughs”? I’d like to see the executives get their comeuppance. (“Of course your heart pacemaker is all new, Mr. Cowperthwaite. The rust color is just for …uh, style. Yeah, rust is … um, it’s this year’s ‘loose wires.’”)
Do we really need so many repetitious half-hour weather bulletins interrupting regular programming? (“For the benefit of those tuning in late, we repeat for the fifteenth time that a viewer in the extreme northeast corner of our viewing area reported spotting a funnel-shaped cloud moving out of the viewing area. Well, to be more precise, he said it was either funnel-shaped or horsey –shaped or ducky-shaped.”)
As someone who appreciates a good laugh, I’m dismayed that all the networks are distancing themselves from the venerable situation comedy format. Of course the networks are just kowtowing to the viewers, who can’t seem to get enough of gory cop shows (a.k.a. “police procedurals”). People, if your office, store, or factory is so darned depressing that all you need to cheer you up is an unending stream of autopsies, have you ever considered going on welfare??????
It’s a little unrealistic for someone to keep shouting, “Hit it!” in the Dodge commercials. Considering the price of gasoline, maybe they should be shouting, “Push it!”
Networks have been abbreviating theme songs, scrolling promos at the bottom of the screen, and running commercials during the end credits. While the Nielsen Media Research people are asking viewers their age, race, and income, maybe they should also ask if anyone is claustrophobic.
Isn’t “I want to end the show while it’s at a creative peak” just a nicer way of saying, “I’ve priced my rear end right out of a job?”
Remember when the Miss Universe Pageant aired during the summer? Awards shows keep getting moved earlier and earlier to gain the elusive competitive edge. Someday the programmers will inadvertently create a time warp and we’ll wind up hearing, “The winner is unable to accept because he hasn’t been born yet. Accepting for him is the late John Wayne.”)
Where are the singers I grew up with? Do music programs like “Pepsi Smash” have to showcase so many hip performers targeted at super-young audiences? Makes me feel that Pepsi thinks intravenous solution is “The Choice of the Boomer Generation.”
Surely we’re not the only people who think spinoff mania will ultimately crash and burn. I think the straw that breaks the camel’s back will be when ABC unveils the Washington, D.C.-based “8 Million Simple Rules.”
I’m not lactose intolerant, but I am sick of the way reality shows add special episodes to milk their concept for all its worth. Or maybe I should just give in and start doing my columns that way. This week is TV gripes. Next week is a behind-the-scenes look at writing this week’s column. Week 3 is when my wife and I vote for our favorite parts of this week’s column. Week 4 is a list of people who preferred eating rhinoceros eyeballs to reading this week’s column. Week 5 is….
With the 2003-2004 television season now history, Melissa and I have been tossing around some pet peeves about TV.
How do networks get away with calling a collection of flashback clips “all-new”? Or combining one new episode with one rerun and calling it “a new hour of laughs”? I’d like to see the executives get their comeuppance. (“Of course your heart pacemaker is all new, Mr. Cowperthwaite. The rust color is just for …uh, style. Yeah, rust is … um, it’s this year’s ‘loose wires.’”)
Do we really need so many repetitious half-hour weather bulletins interrupting regular programming? (“For the benefit of those tuning in late, we repeat for the fifteenth time that a viewer in the extreme northeast corner of our viewing area reported spotting a funnel-shaped cloud moving out of the viewing area. Well, to be more precise, he said it was either funnel-shaped or horsey –shaped or ducky-shaped.”)
As someone who appreciates a good laugh, I’m dismayed that all the networks are distancing themselves from the venerable situation comedy format. Of course the networks are just kowtowing to the viewers, who can’t seem to get enough of gory cop shows (a.k.a. “police procedurals”). People, if your office, store, or factory is so darned depressing that all you need to cheer you up is an unending stream of autopsies, have you ever considered going on welfare??????
It’s a little unrealistic for someone to keep shouting, “Hit it!” in the Dodge commercials. Considering the price of gasoline, maybe they should be shouting, “Push it!”
Networks have been abbreviating theme songs, scrolling promos at the bottom of the screen, and running commercials during the end credits. While the Nielsen Media Research people are asking viewers their age, race, and income, maybe they should also ask if anyone is claustrophobic.
Isn’t “I want to end the show while it’s at a creative peak” just a nicer way of saying, “I’ve priced my rear end right out of a job?”
Remember when the Miss Universe Pageant aired during the summer? Awards shows keep getting moved earlier and earlier to gain the elusive competitive edge. Someday the programmers will inadvertently create a time warp and we’ll wind up hearing, “The winner is unable to accept because he hasn’t been born yet. Accepting for him is the late John Wayne.”)
Where are the singers I grew up with? Do music programs like “Pepsi Smash” have to showcase so many hip performers targeted at super-young audiences? Makes me feel that Pepsi thinks intravenous solution is “The Choice of the Boomer Generation.”
Surely we’re not the only people who think spinoff mania will ultimately crash and burn. I think the straw that breaks the camel’s back will be when ABC unveils the Washington, D.C.-based “8 Million Simple Rules.”
I’m not lactose intolerant, but I am sick of the way reality shows add special episodes to milk their concept for all its worth. Or maybe I should just give in and start doing my columns that way. This week is TV gripes. Next week is a behind-the-scenes look at writing this week’s column. Week 3 is when my wife and I vote for our favorite parts of this week’s column. Week 4 is a list of people who preferred eating rhinoceros eyeballs to reading this week’s column. Week 5 is….
posted by Danny Tyree at 7:42 PM
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