The South's Gonna Do It Again -- Apologize, That Is

According to news reports, the University of the South at Sewanee is trying to downplay the “University of the South” name in its marketing.

A “task force” of educators and administrators – aided by outside consultants --painstakingly researched and deliberated to decide that a lot of potential students have negative feelings about the South. Of course it never occurred to them that even more people have negative feelings about task forces and outside consultants!!!!!!

To be fair, other institutions are considering name changes to eliminate the possibility of offending anyone anywhere. Duke University is worried about ticking off people who hate John Wayne. And William and Mary is being redubbed William and Brad, so it doesn’t sound so darned heterosexual.

It’s understandable that the highly ranked liberal arts school wants to evaluate its strengths, weaknesses, and options. Sewanee is locked in an intensely competitive search for the best and brightest students. But isn’t it possible that the students who swallow all the old redneck stereotypes about the South maybe aren’t the best and the brightest???? They probably think Poly Tech is a college for parrots.


Granted, the university isn’t entirely jettisoning its rich 147-year history by deemphasizing its name. It’s just trying to face reality -- by shielding potential students from reality! (“To save the village, we had to destroy it.”) They want to reel the kids in before they know what hit them. But it’ll cost a fortune for remedial math classes for all the Einsteins who couldn’t put two and two together and deduce that “Sewanee” and “Tennessee” are in the South.

I don’t doubt the sincerity of the task force, but the methodology of the research involves a few too many leading questions. (“What’s your first impression of the South, boy?”)

The task force seems to take a little too much satisfaction in the fact that some visitors are unnerved by the tiniest remaining vestiges of antebellum heritage on campus. (“A former slave owner was buried here a hundred years ago. And he had a hook for a hand. And if you and a date are ever at Inspiration Point on a dark night…Woooooooooooooooo!”)


They say the best defense is a good offense, so maybe the University of the South should launch a preemptive strike against anti-Southern bigots. (“Your SAT scores are excellent, but we understand that you’re named for your great grandfather, who once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die…”)

They also say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Why not turn the school catalog over to the caricatures that bigots expect of the South? Examples:

1. “Remember, your camouflage cap and gown can also be worn at your wedding, as long as your cousin says it’s okay.”
2. “Our cafeteria serves the finest food, with tread marks only from imported sports cars.”
3. “All buildings are handicapped accessible, as long as the wheelchair has a gun rack.”
4. “All freshmen must take History 20. We call it History 20- ‘cause we ain’t got enough fingers and toes to count to History 101.”

Whatever approach the University of the South eventually takes, I hope at least a scant majority of people will be satisfied. Everyone seems thrilled with Harvard Law School’s plans to change its name to The Army Bombing Range At Cambridge.

Originally published the week of May 2, 2004.