Otis Campbell, Your Magazine Is Ready

Publishers in general support freedom of speech, but one magazine champions freedom of slurred speech.

According to the “Los Angeles Times,” Frank Kelly Rich of Denver circulates 50,000 copies per issue of “Modern Drunkard” magazine. “Modern Drunkard” is not a genteel journal aimed at wine sippers or the occasional imbiber, but a macho magazine designed for drinkers who embrace the blackouts, impaired judgment, and haywire motor skills that go with being three sheets to the wind.

I tried to research the “Modern Drunkard” website, but it’s “members only.” Still, I hear from reliable sources that the magazine provides stimulating articles on a wide range of topics. For instance:

* Geopolitics (“Who cares about Communism? I wanna know how many bottles of beer may have fallen off the Berlin Wall.”)

* Childrearing (“Put yourself in your toddler’s place; which would you rather have for your birthday -- a pony or a fake i.d.?”)

* Home improvement (“The Frugal Sot: How To Drink Your Guests Under The Table When The @#$%& Furniture Store Has Repossessed All Your Furniture.”)

* Romance (“That Cute New Girl Who Was Puking At The Same Time As You: Is She Your Soul Mate Or Just One Of Those Pathetic Bulimic Broads?”)

* Psychology (“Those Aren’t Your Inner Demons You’re Wrestling With – They’re The Two Ug-leeee Sisters You Picked Up At Closing Time”)

* Etiquette (“Remember: What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. What? We’re Not In Vegas? Where Are We???? Where’s My Wallet?”)

Playing with cause and effect, Rich asserts that society’s most accomplished people (such as Ernest Hemingway and Dean Martin) have been hard drinkers. One might also discover that a lot of talented people had parents with tuberculosis, which would lead to parental brainstorms such as, “We’ll get Junior a piano and a fifth of Jack Daniel’s, then break into the Centers For Disease Control. This kid is gonna be a prodigy!”

Rich insists that alcohol is conducive to a happy family life. I’m sure many families have fond memories of going on rollicking scavenger hunts for Dad’s new liver.

Rich says there’s a tidal wave of new evidence that drinking is actually good for your health – or at least the health of the liquor industry executives’ bank accounts. It’s only unhealthy when the execs choke on something as they laugh all the way to the bank.

I’m sure Rich gets a good chuckle when he sends out subscription renewal notices. (“Maybe you sort of kind of remember renewing last week, but you didn’t. Pay your tab. *Snicker snicker*”)

Similarly, advertisers must enjoy hawking their wares to gullible Einsteins who consume a depressant in order to be happy! Don’t let an alcoholic use his logic on your household projects. (“Don’t worry about that broken dish. I’ll glue it back together with dynamite.”)

Rich paints heavy drinkers as an “oppressed minority,” but the NAACP has had a hard time equating “lift that keg, tote that six-pack” with the old cotton-picking days.

Still, if you’ve ever entered a “12 Stumbles” program or realized halfway through a party that there ain’t no karaoke machine, you might be a candidate for checking out “Modern Drunkard” yourself.

I hear there’s a really thought-provoking article about religion in the next issue. (“If God is so loving, how come he makes butterflies so dadgum loud? Ouch!!”)

This column appeared in newspapers the week of January 10, 2005.