Onward, Plastic Soldiers
Despite the best efforts of the world’s evildoers, the stalwart G.I. Joe turned 40 this year.
That’s four decades and 400 million Joes, fighting the stigma of being “a doll for boys.” From Day One, toymaker Hasbro has scrupulously referred to Joe as an “action figure.” Recently declassified Pentagon memos show that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld briefly flirted with the Hasbro strategy in reporting casualties. (“Hey, they’re not sons and daughters -- they’re action figures!”)
Joe is a central part of the childhood of every American boy, unless you count the underprivileged kids, who had to make do with cheap knockoffs like Defense Contractor Delbert and lovable loser “4-F Freddie.” . (“See Freddie use stealth technology to hide from the guy who comes to repossess his Jeep. Empty whiskey bottles not included.”)
Joe is viewed primarily as an American icon, but his fame is international. He has traveled the world, leaving behind a trail of smiles, fond memories, little plastic babies, etc.
Joe’s body had an amazing amount of articulation when the toy was first introduced -- 21 moving parts. Many of our soldiers in Iraq are probably jealous of their old playthings. (“Hey, somebody move ME!”) At the rate we’re going, all those old Joes stashed away in the Smithsonian, closets, and basements will be called up for active duty!
Joe started out at nearly 12 inches tall, but he has also been eight inches, 4 ½ inches, and 3 ¾ inches. Maybe Barbie and Ken need to stage an intervention about Joe’s “binge and purge” routine with those military Meals Ready to Eat.
Hasbro is always on the lookout for ways to modernize and publicize Joe, so the rumors are flying about special presidential candidate versions. The John Kerry action figure would be perfect for selling more accessories; the action figure would throw away his medals, and Mom and Dad would have to buy more.
The Kerry doll would not be good for taking on a sleepover, however. He’d injure himself trying to get back home.
If you opt for the George W. Bush National Guard version, be sure to keep your receipt in case you need to return it. (“Are you sure you bought this here? No one recalls having seen it.”)
G.I. Joe has always been controversial.(And I don’t mean just the photos of him standing triumphantly over a bound, naked Mr. Potato Head.) Many child psychologists say the toys help youngsters release their aggression in a safe environment. Left-wing critics, on the other hand, charge that the action figures glorify war and brainwash children into blindly supporting the military-industrial complex. Hey, how glorious can war be for Joe if the neighbor’s Chihuahua can bury him in the back yard?
Sales figures have seen double-digit increases for the past several years, so Joe seems poised to last at least another 40 years. But he does show signs of middle age.
The phrase “Give me 20” now refers to antacids instead of pushups. Joe has to get a hair transplant before he can get a buzz cut. He drives a “relaxed fit” tank. And his dreaded “Kung Fu Grip” has lost a little of its luster. (“See Joe fight the terrorists of C.O.B.R.A. with his awesome Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Grip!”)
Originally published the week of July 11, 2004.
That’s four decades and 400 million Joes, fighting the stigma of being “a doll for boys.” From Day One, toymaker Hasbro has scrupulously referred to Joe as an “action figure.” Recently declassified Pentagon memos show that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld briefly flirted with the Hasbro strategy in reporting casualties. (“Hey, they’re not sons and daughters -- they’re action figures!”)
Joe is a central part of the childhood of every American boy, unless you count the underprivileged kids, who had to make do with cheap knockoffs like Defense Contractor Delbert and lovable loser “4-F Freddie.” . (“See Freddie use stealth technology to hide from the guy who comes to repossess his Jeep. Empty whiskey bottles not included.”)
Joe is viewed primarily as an American icon, but his fame is international. He has traveled the world, leaving behind a trail of smiles, fond memories, little plastic babies, etc.
Joe’s body had an amazing amount of articulation when the toy was first introduced -- 21 moving parts. Many of our soldiers in Iraq are probably jealous of their old playthings. (“Hey, somebody move ME!”) At the rate we’re going, all those old Joes stashed away in the Smithsonian, closets, and basements will be called up for active duty!
Joe started out at nearly 12 inches tall, but he has also been eight inches, 4 ½ inches, and 3 ¾ inches. Maybe Barbie and Ken need to stage an intervention about Joe’s “binge and purge” routine with those military Meals Ready to Eat.
Hasbro is always on the lookout for ways to modernize and publicize Joe, so the rumors are flying about special presidential candidate versions. The John Kerry action figure would be perfect for selling more accessories; the action figure would throw away his medals, and Mom and Dad would have to buy more.
The Kerry doll would not be good for taking on a sleepover, however. He’d injure himself trying to get back home.
If you opt for the George W. Bush National Guard version, be sure to keep your receipt in case you need to return it. (“Are you sure you bought this here? No one recalls having seen it.”)
G.I. Joe has always been controversial.(And I don’t mean just the photos of him standing triumphantly over a bound, naked Mr. Potato Head.) Many child psychologists say the toys help youngsters release their aggression in a safe environment. Left-wing critics, on the other hand, charge that the action figures glorify war and brainwash children into blindly supporting the military-industrial complex. Hey, how glorious can war be for Joe if the neighbor’s Chihuahua can bury him in the back yard?
Sales figures have seen double-digit increases for the past several years, so Joe seems poised to last at least another 40 years. But he does show signs of middle age.
The phrase “Give me 20” now refers to antacids instead of pushups. Joe has to get a hair transplant before he can get a buzz cut. He drives a “relaxed fit” tank. And his dreaded “Kung Fu Grip” has lost a little of its luster. (“See Joe fight the terrorists of C.O.B.R.A. with his awesome Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Grip!”)
Originally published the week of July 11, 2004.
posted by Danny Tyree at 7:42 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home