Extreme Makeover: Planetary Edition
We haven’t been able to find the Fisher-Price “Noah’s Ark” toy for Gideon’s upcoming birthday, so I’m resorting to putting Noah’s life into contemporary terms for him.
Noah, of course, was a righteous man in a thoroughly wicked world. God selected him not only because he was righteous, but because of his fearlessness with exotic animals. (“Kangaroos? Shoot, back when I was growing up in the ‘hood, we slept with rats bigger than that.”)
People were raping, pillaging, failing to rewind their rental videotapes, etc. No one listened to Noah’s call for repentance, although, the first few times he hinted at inclement weather, people mobbed the stores for milk, eggs, and toilet paper.
I don’t want to excuse the debauchery of the corrupt population, but Noah was something like 500 years old when he started building the ark. What kind of advice does the average heathen seek from a 500-year-old man? (“D’ya think Depends and Speedo will ever merge?”)
Noah is to be commended for ignoring the scoffers and building the ark exactly as God commanded He must surely have been tempted just to stuff all those animals into his SUV and hit the road.
As far as we know, it had never rained before The Flood. Just imagine the reaction of the sinners after the ark door closed, the “40 days and 40 nights” began, and the waters started rising. No doubt there were pitiable screams of, “There’s still hope for the National Hockey League season!”
Except for Noah’s family, the entire population of the earth was wiped out. Noah, his wife, his three sons, and their wives spent a whole year in the ark. Folks always wonder about the overpowering stench. Well, the year’s supply of Old Spice and Hai Karate was part of Noah’s signing bonus; the animals just had to get used to it.
Noah was 600 years old when the Deluge began. He was still spry, but his age showed in the fact that he insisted on feeding the animals supper at 4:30, and the top of his head barely showed through the boat’s window.
There were plenty of chores for the eight people aboard the ark. Some of the jobs were relatively easy (like feeding the elephants and washing the hippos). Others were incredibly stressful, such as trying to keep the possums from getting run over.
It took months for the waters to subside. The job could’ve been accomplished faster, but all the government wetlands protection paperwork was a real booger.
Just imagine the once-in-a-lifetime experience of emerging from the ark into a fresh new world -- one that had only 83 Starbucks locations, maximum.
After the Flood, Noah’s family and the animals had the huge responsibility of repopulating the earth. (“Don’t think of it as being dragged to a family reunion. Think of it as free tickets to ‘Love Connection.’”)
It’s not well known, but God had to give some of the species an attitude adjustment. For instance, the rabbit. (“Mating? Naaahh, I think I’ll concentrate on my career first.”)
God placed the rainbow in the sky as a reminder that he would never destroy the world with water again. Nope – he’ll use fire next time. (“Gotta get to the store. I need milk, eggs, toilet paper, and asbestos Speedos.”)
Noah, of course, was a righteous man in a thoroughly wicked world. God selected him not only because he was righteous, but because of his fearlessness with exotic animals. (“Kangaroos? Shoot, back when I was growing up in the ‘hood, we slept with rats bigger than that.”)
People were raping, pillaging, failing to rewind their rental videotapes, etc. No one listened to Noah’s call for repentance, although, the first few times he hinted at inclement weather, people mobbed the stores for milk, eggs, and toilet paper.
I don’t want to excuse the debauchery of the corrupt population, but Noah was something like 500 years old when he started building the ark. What kind of advice does the average heathen seek from a 500-year-old man? (“D’ya think Depends and Speedo will ever merge?”)
Noah is to be commended for ignoring the scoffers and building the ark exactly as God commanded He must surely have been tempted just to stuff all those animals into his SUV and hit the road.
As far as we know, it had never rained before The Flood. Just imagine the reaction of the sinners after the ark door closed, the “40 days and 40 nights” began, and the waters started rising. No doubt there were pitiable screams of, “There’s still hope for the National Hockey League season!”
Except for Noah’s family, the entire population of the earth was wiped out. Noah, his wife, his three sons, and their wives spent a whole year in the ark. Folks always wonder about the overpowering stench. Well, the year’s supply of Old Spice and Hai Karate was part of Noah’s signing bonus; the animals just had to get used to it.
Noah was 600 years old when the Deluge began. He was still spry, but his age showed in the fact that he insisted on feeding the animals supper at 4:30, and the top of his head barely showed through the boat’s window.
There were plenty of chores for the eight people aboard the ark. Some of the jobs were relatively easy (like feeding the elephants and washing the hippos). Others were incredibly stressful, such as trying to keep the possums from getting run over.
It took months for the waters to subside. The job could’ve been accomplished faster, but all the government wetlands protection paperwork was a real booger.
Just imagine the once-in-a-lifetime experience of emerging from the ark into a fresh new world -- one that had only 83 Starbucks locations, maximum.
After the Flood, Noah’s family and the animals had the huge responsibility of repopulating the earth. (“Don’t think of it as being dragged to a family reunion. Think of it as free tickets to ‘Love Connection.’”)
It’s not well known, but God had to give some of the species an attitude adjustment. For instance, the rabbit. (“Mating? Naaahh, I think I’ll concentrate on my career first.”)
God placed the rainbow in the sky as a reminder that he would never destroy the world with water again. Nope – he’ll use fire next time. (“Gotta get to the store. I need milk, eggs, toilet paper, and asbestos Speedos.”)
posted by Danny Tyree at 6:53 PM
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