Dude, Where's My Lost Island?

Sometimes everyone gets “voted off the island.”

American researcher Robert Samarast claims to have discovered remains of the legendary lost city of Atlantis at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea, 50 miles southeast of Cyprus.

Samarast says his sonar tests show the remains are under several meters of sediment, at a depth of 1640 yards. Or, in real estate terms, “a fixer upper.” (“Unobstructed view of the sea!”)

According to the Greek philosopher Plato, Atlantis sank around 9,000 B.C. (meaning, sadly, it bumped Rod Stewart’s first recording session off the front pages). Some say an earthquake and/or volcanic eruption did the deed. Others say the gods destroyed the city because it had become corrupt. Most likely, Atlantis collapsed because it was part of a riverwalk project that went to the low bidder.

Samarast studied the writings of Plato and others to narrow down the location of the city, but to a large extent he was just at the right place at the right time. He overheard a typical Southerner giving directions to a barbecue joint. (“Turn left where they tore down the service station in ’74, then go down the road a piece, then turn right where the mythical island used to be, then keep goin’ for a spell…”)

Other explorers would disagree vehemently with Samarast, citing possible Atlantis locations as diverse as the Arctic Peninsula, the Bahamas, the Caribbean, Bolivia, the Black Sea, Ireland, and Crete. How could our ancestors misplace the location of an entire civilization? Hey, life gets in the way. (“Man, I had to clean up after the Minotaur and stuff. Anyway, I thought you were keeping up with the map. Have you been rolling lotus doobies again?”)

Why the fascination with Atlantis? Mystery-shrouded Atlantis has come to stand for an ideal society and advanced civilization. The reputation may be well deserved. Hieroglyphs show no words for “my bad,” “’sup?,” or “Britney.” Most importantly, the government didn’t pay to rebuild the homes of the chuckleheads who built in the middle of a volcano plain!!!

The Cyprus Tourist Organization certainly sees the Atlantis legacy as relevant to our times. The organization has contributed $60,000 to Samarast’s effort. Legend has it that emigrants from Atlantis colonized other parts of the world, so apparently Cyprus is hoping for a “Colonial Atlantis” motif. (“I prithee, sirrah, do not disturb the peace or practice witchcraft, or I shall be forced to chastise thee with the trident of Poseidon.”)

Skeptics and Atlantis fans alike want to take a “wait and see” approach to Samarast’s work. Researchers do tend to make mountains out of molehills. (“We found a single bicuspid at the site. From that, I deduce the subject walked upright, made primitive boomerangs, was accompanied by an invisible friend named George, and ,um, tasted like chicken.”)


So far we’re talking about a lot of ancient relics. But what if the science fiction stories and Aquaman comic books are right? Countless yarns have theorized that, rather than perishing or moving elsewhere on land, the Atlanteans learned to breathe and thrive underwater.

If so, they’ll be in a belligerent mood. Knowing how governments work, there’s little doubt that, after millennia of outswimming sharks and octopi, the Atlanteans are still tormented by an inescapable threat. (“Time for your annual wheel tax increase! Do it for the schools – of fishes.”)