Consigning Limbaugh To Limbo?
Originally published in newspapers the week of February 21, 2003.
If you're smitten with conservative talk radio hosts such as G. Gordon Liddy and Rush Limbaugh, be forewarned that not everyone feels the same way.
A group of leftward-leaning investors from Chicago is trying to form a liberal radio network to challenge the aforementioned broadcasters.
Some media analysts have theorized that liberal hosts haven't caught on previously because none of them has been as entertaining as Liddy and company. Perhaps the prospective hosts could jazz up their programs with liberal songs such as "She Applies Hard For The Money"; "Take A Green Card, Maria"; "Don't Blame It On The Bossa Nova - Blame It On the Capitalist Pigs"; "Ain't Too Proud To Whine"; "I Could Have Taxed All Night"; and "It's Not Unusual (To Be Loved By Any Gender)."
Such a network would have no trouble lining up sponsors. First in line would be Malcontent Matchmaker Inc. ("Are you lonely because you haven't been in any good protest marches lately? Run out of causes? No problem. Did you know that maximum security prison inmates are denied the right to make up their own messages for license plates? That most drug addicts make less than a living wage for turning in used needles? That only a few cities require angry motorists to cuss other drivers bilingually? That the condoms your first-grader is receiving at school are made with non-union labor? Pick the social issue that starts your blood pumping. America: hate it or leave it.")
Other sponsors would include Entitle-Mints ("the candy that keeps on taking"), the Terrorism Survival Kit ("If your schoolchild is critically injured by terrorists, this alarm will sound if any faculty members dare say a prayer over him"), Irrational Quota Studios ("Lights...camera... affirmative action!"), and Acme Crowbar Company ("Prying the Second Amendment from your cold, lifeless fingers since 1975.")
Such "progressive" advertisers would be proud to fill a void on the airwaves. The hosts would have the power to sway public opinion and avert tragedies. ("We stopped the new abortion clinic from being built on protected wetlands. Doctors will instead be aborting fetuses on a site where no pond scum is injured.")
Guest speakers from the ACLU will inform us that we're downtrodden in areas we hadn't even considered. ("Kids, did you know that when you give a classmate a note asking, 'Do you love me? Check yes or no,' and they put the wrong answer, that's a hate crime?")
The hosts will have a bully pulpit for putting us in remembrance of lofty sentiments, such as the message on the Statue of Liberty ("Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to vote for the party that dishes out the most freebies...")
America could turn to the hosts for advice. ("My 10th-grader was going to put strychnine in his gym teacher's coffee, but because he couldn't read, he put it in the principal's mug by mistake." "How embarrassing! I hope they gave the poor boy self-esteem counseling!")
The hosts could defend liberal theology from slanderous attacks. ("The fundamentalists claim our views are too weird, but if Jesus were here today, She'd tell you herself that...")
Stay tuned. Should be interesting. This is Danny Tyree, signing off until next time. Cue music. "She'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her internal combustion engine takes the ozone layer away..."
If you're smitten with conservative talk radio hosts such as G. Gordon Liddy and Rush Limbaugh, be forewarned that not everyone feels the same way.
A group of leftward-leaning investors from Chicago is trying to form a liberal radio network to challenge the aforementioned broadcasters.
Some media analysts have theorized that liberal hosts haven't caught on previously because none of them has been as entertaining as Liddy and company. Perhaps the prospective hosts could jazz up their programs with liberal songs such as "She Applies Hard For The Money"; "Take A Green Card, Maria"; "Don't Blame It On The Bossa Nova - Blame It On the Capitalist Pigs"; "Ain't Too Proud To Whine"; "I Could Have Taxed All Night"; and "It's Not Unusual (To Be Loved By Any Gender)."
Such a network would have no trouble lining up sponsors. First in line would be Malcontent Matchmaker Inc. ("Are you lonely because you haven't been in any good protest marches lately? Run out of causes? No problem. Did you know that maximum security prison inmates are denied the right to make up their own messages for license plates? That most drug addicts make less than a living wage for turning in used needles? That only a few cities require angry motorists to cuss other drivers bilingually? That the condoms your first-grader is receiving at school are made with non-union labor? Pick the social issue that starts your blood pumping. America: hate it or leave it.")
Other sponsors would include Entitle-Mints ("the candy that keeps on taking"), the Terrorism Survival Kit ("If your schoolchild is critically injured by terrorists, this alarm will sound if any faculty members dare say a prayer over him"), Irrational Quota Studios ("Lights...camera... affirmative action!"), and Acme Crowbar Company ("Prying the Second Amendment from your cold, lifeless fingers since 1975.")
Such "progressive" advertisers would be proud to fill a void on the airwaves. The hosts would have the power to sway public opinion and avert tragedies. ("We stopped the new abortion clinic from being built on protected wetlands. Doctors will instead be aborting fetuses on a site where no pond scum is injured.")
Guest speakers from the ACLU will inform us that we're downtrodden in areas we hadn't even considered. ("Kids, did you know that when you give a classmate a note asking, 'Do you love me? Check yes or no,' and they put the wrong answer, that's a hate crime?")
The hosts will have a bully pulpit for putting us in remembrance of lofty sentiments, such as the message on the Statue of Liberty ("Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to vote for the party that dishes out the most freebies...")
America could turn to the hosts for advice. ("My 10th-grader was going to put strychnine in his gym teacher's coffee, but because he couldn't read, he put it in the principal's mug by mistake." "How embarrassing! I hope they gave the poor boy self-esteem counseling!")
The hosts could defend liberal theology from slanderous attacks. ("The fundamentalists claim our views are too weird, but if Jesus were here today, She'd tell you herself that...")
Stay tuned. Should be interesting. This is Danny Tyree, signing off until next time. Cue music. "She'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her internal combustion engine takes the ozone layer away..."
posted by Danny Tyree at 9:44 AM
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