Tales Of Whoa! Straight From The Mule's Mouth

Breeders, trainers, farriers, farmers. They all make good interviewees for Mule Day articles.

But, priding myself on my unconventionality, I’ve opted to stay away from the herd (of journalists) by embracing the herd (of mules). Yes, I’ve decided to interview the guests of honor themselves. Here are some “Mule On The Street” comments on a variety of topics:

* “Honestly, would a simple ‘Gee, please’ and “Haaw, please’ kill anyone?”

* “My family has always worked in the timber business, but I just don’t know about the work ethic of the younger generation. One of my kids thought ‘snaking a log’ was something a plumber does.”

* “No, really, the Four Mulemen of the Apocalypse just didn’t have the right press agent.”

* “Hybrid vigor of mules? Ha! When my husband Old Zeke gets a feedbag and a rerun of ‘Murder, She Brayed’ or ‘Trading Stables,” he’s practically comatose on the sofa.”

* “A mule isn’t like a horse. He’s not going to work past the point of exhaustion -- but the union dues are a son of a gun!”

* “True Hollywood story -- Francis was a ventriloquist and did all that klutz Donald O’Connor’s lines.”

* “Humans are funny. They’re fascinated by mules because we remind them of Hard Times. That’s like saying you’re fascinated by weasels because they remind you of your ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.”

* “I still say the Mule Day Parade needs that giant Underdog balloon.”

* “It’s about time we females had some rights. The males are trying to keep us barefoot and preg -- ** Well, barefoot, anyway.”

* “We mules are more sure-footed and more intelligent than horses. We’re stronger and have more endurance. We’re still working on that ‘humility’ thingie, however.”

* “I can’t quite put my hoof on it, but there’s something about Prince Charles that makes him a dreamboat.”

* “That’s right. George Washington had 58 mules at Mt. Vernon. But don’t get me started on George. He’s a big hero because he told the truth about chopping down a cherry tree. But who do you think had to drag that *&^%$#@ cherry tree back to the house?”

* “Hey, I thought this movie was directed by Mule Gibson. I want my money back!”

* “Humans think their mothers give them guilt trips about what they went through during pregnancy. You ought to hear my mom talk about all the kicking…”

* “I’m not stubborn. I’m just ‘differently motivated.’”

* “If some politician doesn’t do something about all these burros coming into the country and taking our jobs…”

* “I don’t mind that we mules have to work as a team; it’s Pete Rose betting on us that sticks in my craw!”

Wow! I’ve used up all my space and haven’t even solicited the opinions of the younger set. Join me next year for “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Yearling,” or “What A Foal Believes.”

· Originally published in the Columbia Daily Herald, April 2004.