Every Dogwood Has Its Day(s)

Mark your calendar for April 15 through 17. That’s when Winchester, Tennessee, plays host to the inaugural International Dogwood Festival. (E-mail me at tyrades@localnet.com for details about these “three days of entertainment for the entire family.”)

I’m sorry I have taken the dogwood for granted. Not only is the flowering dogwood ornamental, but it also supplies food for birds and wildlife, and produces a wood useful for golf clubs and jewelers’ benches. How ironic that a mere tree is so versatile, while I know several people whose main claim to usefulness is that you could stand them in the corner and bust kindling over their heads.

I’ve learned quite a bit while researching dogwoods. For instance, trees are grown in “nurseries” because of all the bawling by mall developers when they see a forest. (“So many trees, so few bulldozers!”)

Whence cometh the name “dogwood”? In Europe the bark of one species was boiled in water and used for washing dogs afflicted with mange. Building on that work, scientists are currently racing against the clock to find a part of the dogwood that cures canines from (a) rolling in putrid stuff and (b) embarrassing the heck out of their owners by being overly amorous with visitors.

George Washington and Thomas Jefferson made prominent use of dogwoods at Mount Vernon and Monticello, although the slogan “Four out of five men who wear powdered wigs recommend dogwood trees” never really caught on. The Father of Our Country (“First in war, first in peace, first in line to get his poodle dipped for mange”) achieved excellent results with proper pruning, expert fertilization, and the humming of a fife-and-drum ditty called “Remember What Happened To The Cherry Tree.”

An Internet search for “dogwood” yields numerous links to “The Legend of the Dogwood.” According to the legend, the dogwood once grew as a tall, straight tree and was used for timber. But when the wood was used to make the cross for Christ’s crucifixion, Jesus was so touched that he promised the tree would never again grow large enough to be employed for such a purpose (although the fine print of the promise allowed for use of the tree in making frames for a gazillion prints of “Footprints In The Sand.”)

Enjoy the legend while you can. My well-placed spies in the education system indicate that the new politically correct version of the legend is “Dogwood trees evolved from apes.”

Dogwoods have enjoyed worldwide popularity even without the sort of historic icon that apple trees enjoy. True, there was an attempt with rapping character Snoop Doggy Dogwood, but Johnny Appleseed’s estate lawyers were out for sap and sued Snoop right out of business.

I am envious of people who have a knack for landscaping. I don’t have a green thumb. It’s more like a bad martial arts movie: “10 Fingers of Death.” Any plant I was in charge of would never appear in “Better Homes and Gardens” magazine; more likely, it would grace the cover of “Better Put It Out Of Its Misery.”

I hope you’ve enjoyed this look at things arboreal. Next week we analyze how we can use the United Nations to solve the world energy crisis. (“Stand ‘em in the corner and bust kindling over their haids.”)