The Gospel According To Elton

Speaking in a special “gay edition” of the “London Observer” newspaper’s monthly music magazine, pop legend Elton John recently pontificated that organized religion should be outlawed because it lacks compassion and promotes hatred of homosexuals.

I think the singer paints too sinister and conspiratorial a picture of clergy and congregants. Maybe he has read “The DaVinci Code” one too many times, but it’s as if he has unlocked the existence of The Patron Saint of Stealing Handicapped Parking Spaces or the “We’ve secretly replaced the baptismal water for gays with Folgers flavor crystals” scam.

I know, you’re wondering how a music superstar gets to be such an expert on deep theological issues. Surely you remember “Menorah In The Wind,” “Don’t Go Breaking My Commandments,” “Goodbye, Yellow-Brick Damascus Road,” and “On This Crocodile Rock I Will Build My Church.”

Forty years ago, Sir Elton’s tirade would have led to public album burnings, barricading of radio stations, and – if all else failed – preachers nationwide condemning him to an eternity of “ring around the collar, ring around the collar.”

As it is, we’ve become so desensitized to assaults on worship, that the typical response will be “As soon as I finish my Tae-Bo class, I’m sending God a fiery text message about this assault on … Hey! ‘Deal Or No Deal’ is on tonight!”

Admittedly, Sir Elton’s message lacks urgency because he doesn’t really envision putting it into action. It’s more of a “if I had my druthers” or a whimsical magic wish list. (“I want a unicorn, and the First Amendment beaten to a bloody pulp, and a big mountain of chocolate ice cream…”)

Sir Elton told the interviewer that organized religion “turns people into really hateful lemmings and it’s not really compassionate.” Or maybe he just sets unreasonably high standards for charity. (“Here’s a nice hot meal, and we’ve paid your rent for a month, and here are some tracts about saving your soul. Uh, if that’s not enough, I have this nephew you’d really love to sodomize…”)

Sir Elton plays on the emotions of those who can’t stand church hierarchy, assembling with the saints, “Sunday go to meeting clothes,” and the like. He appeals to people who prefer hobnobbing with Mother Nature or communing directly with God. That system worked so well in ancient times, with zany incidents such as Adam and Eve pilfering fruit, Cain whacking his brother, etc.

Yes, Sir Elton exploits the knuckle-draggers who look for any excuse to get out of the church building. These mellow, laid-back religious freelancers (Favorite song: “I’ll Fly Away By The Seat Of My Pants”) like to brag about the revelations they get straight from the Creator, without interference from elders, deacons, sobriety, etc. (“And Jehovah told me, “I thought it was a double bogey, too!”)

To his credit, Sir Elton did wax nostalgic for the simpler times of his childhood Sunday school classes. It’s just that he doesn’t like rules and regulations to grow up. In the World According To Elton, highway patrolmen would probably tell motorists, “You were driving 180 miles per hour on the wrong side of the road. I’m throwing the book at you – a sticker fun book. Enjoy—and don’t let me catch you running with the rounded scissors!”

Up next, the classic, “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Hissy-Fits”…