Congratulating The Bride And Vrooom!

According to “USA Today,” Harlequin Romance and NASCAR, Inc. have joined to produce a series of novels set in the exciting world of motorsports.

Certainly NASCAR’s involvement with the genteel world of romance novels is part of its ongoing campaign to distance itself from its rough and tumble moonshining past. We’ve already seen the Winston Cup become the Nextel Cup. We’ve already seen drivers penalized for televised profanity. I understand that future changes include: pit crews showing up “fashionably late”; cars emitting potpourri-tinged exhaust fumes; valets not only parking your truck but enjoying your tailgate party for you; and track officials declaring, “We’re giving everybody the pole position – and a gold star!”

And let’s not forget the shift of races away from traditional Southern sites. When explorers recently discovered a remote Indonesian “lost world,” totally untouched by civilization, biologists’ first thought was “What amazing biodiversity!” NASCAR officials’ first thought was “So long, Daytona!”

Of course the NASCAR alliance is part of Harlequin’s scheme for complete domination of the written word. Harlequin devotees bought 130 million books last year, and romance novels in general account for nearly 55 percent of all paperback fiction sales. I wouldn’t be surprised if the warning label on cigarettes becomes integrated into the romance genre. (“The Surgeon General has determined that heaving breasts may be the result of either unbound passion or deadly carcinogens. Hard to say.”)

Many NASCAR fans are already voracious readers of romance novels; but the new deal could even reach folks who think that “restrictor plates” are something you pick out when selecting your silverware and linens, or who think that the “backstretch” is something the heroine does to show off her glistening hair and dewy eyes.

Media analysts cite Harlequin and NASCAR as a good match because the readers daydream about “happily ever after” with heroes, and the race car drivers are idolized as heroes by many. Personally, I think the drivers are hard-working nice guys, but I don’t know if I would use the word “heroes.” My heroes “rob from the rich and give to the poor.” Somehow “generate revenue from diverse demographic niches and return it to the macroeconomy via the multiplier effect” just doesn’t have the same ring. My heroes would never stop short with a statement such as “I’m going to scale the barbed wire, dodge the machine-gun fire, and lob a grenade into the – aw, the caution flag is up! Man!”

Still, I can understand why romance readers are attracted to the drivers. The readers’ humdrum lives create a void that can only be filled by someone who sneers at danger, someone who knows how to handle himself in a crowd, someone who could get them to the Payless Shoes sale at 250 miles per hour.

Sure, some NASCAR fans may object to the far-fetched plots in romance novels, but I think this project will really catch on. Is amnesia really that inconceivable? . Millions of romance novel readers seem to have forgotten reading the same %$# storyline 473 times before.

NASCAR romance novels are here to stay, so get ready for some steamy love scenes. Just imagine the hero finally seeing the heroine naked for the first time. (“Sorry I’m staring, my beloved. I’m just imagining what you’d look like with Tide and Valvoline decals plastered all over you. Mmmmmm…”)