Rock 'n' Roll Over! Good Boy!

According to the “New York Times,” one of the cleverest sites on the Internet is DogCatRadio – a radio station dedicated to keeping pets from becoming bored or lonesome while their masters are away at work.

The need is obvious. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing commercials for the “When Animals Shoot Paper Wads II” videotape. And who wants a beloved feline suffering the emotional scars of being left alone with thoughts such as “I wonder if I can stay awake until What’s His Name gets back from…ZZZZZZ”?

History backs me up on this. Animal boredom was one of the leading reasons for the fall of the Roman Empire. (“I am so tired of devouring Christians. Say, Simba, I bet them pagans is good eatin’!”)

DogCatRadio gallops to the rescue with intellectual stimulation for cooped up pets. Leaving our four-legged friends home alone with the company of the Internet makes them ponder deep philosophical questions, such as “How am I supposed to switch this to a porn site?”

DogCat Radio plays a lot of soft rock favorites, mixed with cutesy requests such as “Who Let The Dogs Out?” and “Hound Dog.” I suppose the anti-neutering crowd would go for M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This.”

If DogCatRadio continues growing, enterprising songwriters will inevitably come up with customized music for the station. Songs might include “Leaving On A Jet Plane Baggage Compartment,” “The Sounds of Silent Dog Whistles,” “I Fought The Leash Law,” “Flea Drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head,” “This Old Heartworm of Mine,” “Gainesburger In Paradise,” “Jive Barkin’,” “Fetch Like An Egyptian,” “That’s What Litterboxes Are For,” and “She Works Hard For The Hairball.”

Branching out to attract pets who prefer country music, the station would find plenty of room for songs such as “Coal Miner’s Canary,” “Live Like You Were Being Euthanized,” “He Stopped Vaccinating Her Today,” “I Remember The Dog Year That Clayton Delaney Died,” “You Were Always On My Leg,” “There’s A Stranger In My House. Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! No, Wait, Never Mind. It Was Just The Cuckoo Clock.”

If the station wanted the demographic of puppies and kittens, they could play songs such as “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round. Bite ‘Em!”

The station already reaches out to animals other than canines and felines. There could even be programming for ferrets. Partnering with C-SPAN, DogCatRadio could broadcast the antics of those lovable weasels in Congress.

DogCatRadio does not currently carry advertising, but the potential is there. We would probably hear pitches for things like the new books “Heloise’s Hints On How To Get Stains Into The Carpet” and “Secrets of The Throwing The Stick Scam.”

Prize contests (“Pick up the phone and be the fifth caller”) might be a tough sell, except in households with monkeys. The inequity would be addressed by radio evangelists. (“The opposable thumb: the mark of the Beast?”)

I’m not sure how well traffic reports would work on DogCatRadio. (“Observers are reporting a collision in the park. A Chihuahua has rear-ended a poodle. No, wait –that was no accident….”)

The next time you’re worried about leaving your pets unattended, give DogCatRadio a shot. They might even be playing that country classic “Rollin’ In My Sweet Baby’s Possum Carcass.”