Bless His Heart! Tyree To The Rescue

“I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could” is a popular bumper sticker; but, according to a survey by the Associated Press, only 77 percent of the people born and still living in the South consider themselves to be Southerners.

Have national chain restaurants, industrialization, and political baggage really made Southern heritage so insignificant to some of y’all? Our ancestors would be turning over in their graves, if they hadn’t already been exhumed for construction of a Sushi R Us franchise.

I place much of the blame on the media elite, especially TV news anchors, with their subtle Midwestern bias. (“Will the knuckle-dragging segregationist Southerners be able to operate the voting machines? Only time will tell.”)

The inferiority complex of the South is even watering down our religion. Here in the Bible Belt, we used to worship someone who walked on water. Now we’re heaping all our adoration on Guys Who Can Drive In Snow And Ice.

Then again, maybe Southerners aren’t really rejecting their culture. Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding caused by our drug-dispensing public schools. (“Duh, I’m from south of the Mason-Dixon Line, so that makes me a …quadratic equation!”)

Whatever, the South is fast losing its identity and becoming a bland component of a homogenous society. Watch for these Warning Signs That The Yankees Have Won Again:

* The Lions Club sponsors an annual Monster Yugo and Civic Pull.

* “Hog killing time” involves cement blocks and a river.

* Motorists pull over for funeral processions, not out of respect, but to avoid being run over by the paparazzi. (“Ya never know. That hundred year old dirt farmer could have slept with Jennifer Aniston. Better take more pictures!”)

* Surplus middle names are donated to the Bob-less and Earl-deprived regions of Africa.

* Filling station attendants give directions like, “The bank? Just go down yonder a ways and turn where the feed store used to be. You’ll find a guy who can Google the bank for you.”

* Hospital emergency rooms are equipped to offer you a transfusion of Type A, Type B, Type AB, Type O, or unsweetened tea.

* School speech teachers are all replaced with auctioneers.

* At church socials, someone is inevitably accused of being the Nanner Puddin’ Nazi.

* Folks say, “Have your people call my people about ‘How’s your momma ‘n’ them?’”

* Two words: aerosol cornbread.

* Signs bear the message “See Rock City. Hey, What Are YOU Lookin’ At???”

* Instead of registering with the state, deer hunters register with Saks.

* No more marrying cousins – unless they’re the same sex.

I keep holding out hope that someday the 23 percent of respondents who claim they disavow the South will admit they were just yanking the chain of the nosey pollsters. Wouldn’t be the first time.

(“The Euro dollar? Yes, I reckon it will crash because of mounting deficits in the Third World – but mostly because of the influence of Elvis in a U.F.O.” “Wow! I’ve gotta rush this survey into print! This could be the biggest trend since Jennifer Aniston’s John Deere fetish!”)