Tricks Are For (Having) Kids?

According to Agence France Presse news service, thousands of couples from around the world are flocking to the United States to spend $19,000 a pop on a groundbreaking gender selection treatment that gives a 99 percent certainty of choosing a baby’s sex.

Most couples using pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD) cite the desire for “balance” in their families. Hmph! I have one brother, no sisters. My wife has two sisters, no brothers. We both have plenty to keep us occupied without wasting time sighing over “What might have been.” Trying to outthink God never works. A couple trying to force equilibrium between macho and frills could easily find their two red-blooded boys dangled out the window by two even rougher tomboys.

Most families are already pretty well balanced as far as the children’s talents and personalities are concerned.. For instance, you’ll find one child who is eager to have another sibling of the same sex, as well as one who thinks $19,000 would buy a really kick-butt home entertainment system.

Still, some parents just don’t want to risk surprises. They want to enter the delivery room with confidence. Of course they may be surprised when big sister announces, “Oh, the baby sister I screamed for? That’s so ‘five minutes ago.’ I’m into my pony phase now…”

21^st Century technology is great, but I miss the more idealistic times of the Sixties, when “Peanuts” cartoonist Charles Schulz could say, “Happiness is a warm puppy,” not “happiness is a boy or girl preselected through DNA analysis of embryos.”

It shouldn’t matter whether a child is a boy or a girl. The important thing is that he or she be strong enough to put up a defense when classmates discover the geeky middle name the parents picked out.

Bioethicists are concerned that we’ll be starting down a slippery slope if parents are allowed to determine the sex of a child. They won’t stop there. Parents will be tempted to produce “designer children,” who have just the right hair color, just the right color of eyes, and just enough of a sense of shame not to use clichés like “slippery slope.”

Armed with PGD, some parents will feel obligated to micromanage the entire future of their offspring. (“Honey, better set some money aside. Johnny will be having a visit from the Tooth Fairy on June 12 of 2009.”)

Critics of PGD think the procedure will widen the gap between the “haves” and “have-nots” even more. Only the poor would be bald or fat. Supporters of the procedure, however, say, “These charges of creating a master race are ludicrous and libelous. You’d better heil when you say that. Uh…smile! You’d better smile when you say that.”

Nature has done a good job of carrying on the species and providing the right people for society’s roles. As Garth Brooks sang in “The Dance,” our lives are better left to chance. Can you imagine a world in which an entire generation of trendy parents suddenly favored one sex over another? For instance, what if every home was controlled by a gender that said things like, “Whoa! A perfectly acceptable TV show with just the first click of the remote”? The earth would flip on its axis!!