The NFL Crossroads: Pigskin's Progress?

Maybe you thought NFL stood for National Football League, but it may soon stand for Negligently Forgetting Loyalists.

According to a flurry of recent press releases, the greedy league risks watering down its core appeal by (a) seeking to establish a foreign franchise within the next decade, (b) making its entire game slate available internationally via the Internet, and (c) marketing the product more toward women.

An initial foreign franchise (if it materializes) would most likely be in either Mexico City or Toronto. I have nothing against the Great White North, but can Canadians really handle anything other than Canadian football? Players are supposed to be role models for youth, and I think we should stick with good old U.S. player values like assault, robbery, and DUI – not Contributing To The Delinquency of A Caribou.

And all six people left in Mexico by 2017 would naturally love watching their own team, but is that goal worth having the NFL become entangled with the corrupt Mexican government? Quarterbacks and halfbacks would be replaced with kickbacks. Disputes would be settled with “totally unaltered instant replays” showing Howard Cosell fumbling a pass from Jim Thorpe.

What exactly have foreigners done to deserve receiving American football via the Yahoo! Web portal? Shut down the time-honored domestic foam finger industry with cheap imports and sent good Americans scrounging for third-shift jobs at the beer hat factory, that’s what! Okay, I guess the overseas guys have shown their football spirit by keeping up with statistics -- like Official Who Intercepted The Most U.S. Foreign Aid Funds. They deserve the baggage that comes with the Internet: listening to Al Gore lecture about how he invented pigskin.

The NFL should certainly cherish the large contingent of female fans it already has. Their backgrounds, temperaments, and lifestyles fit in with the world of professional football. But I question the value of desperate attempts to brainwash those who are only casually interested.

What sort of harebrained schemes will be utilized to make the sport more female-friendly? Do we really want team owners trying to solve their salary cap dilemmas with cents-off coupons? Will youngsters really develop a love for football by participating in the NFL’s Punt, Pass, and Accessorize program? Will the players union feel any safer if team doctors begin treating multiple fractures by prescribing a gift certificate from Bath & Body Works?

Supporters of change bemoan the fact that Super Bowl commercials are slanted toward testosterone-charged products like beer, automobiles, and electronics. I don’t think the husbands and boyfriends of America will take kindly to new hybrid ads that encourage them to drink responsibly before getting into their new sports car and going from zero to 180 on a mission to pick up feminine hygiene products.

You may think it possible to double the NFL audience with a little tinkering, but most likely you’ll see a male revolt when the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders have to synchronize their choreography with the Dallas Cowboys Chippendales.

I can see why the lure of the Almighty Dollar makes the league want to seek out more rabid fans. But if they persist on tampering with success, on “any given Sunday,” they may find themselves getting bitten in the rear.