Saturday, February 03, 2007

Spare The Rod, Spoil The Campaign Issue

Children are our greatest natural resource. And apparently California legislators are our greatest unnatural resource.

By now you’ve probably heard of the crusade of California assemblywoman Sally Lieber, who has drafted legislation to criminalize the spanking of children under four years of age. Although first-time offenders might get away with a simple brainwashing session, they theoretically face a $1,000 fine and one year in jail.

Among the words people have used to describe Lieber’s idea: “absurd,” “intrusive,” unenforceable,” “a blatant violation of parental rights.” To those of us some distance from the “Left Coast,” California’s innovations seem to be a mixture of good intentions and good weed.

Yes, there are alternatives to spanking. Sometimes you can reason with a child. But don’t get your hopes up about negotiations. Remember, this is the kid who can’t reliably articulate when he needs to use the potty. You ain’t gettin’ the dadblamed Treaty of Versailles out of him.

And, yes, you can always withhold privileges instead of giving the little darling a whack on the seat. That works really well with the brat who is about to run out into traffic. (“Okay, James, there goes your open casket ceremony!”)

Lieber and her ilk regard corporal punishment as barbaric. Sure, I remember my history lessons: when the unwashed hordes invaded the civilized countries, they raped and pillaged as a last resort, if they couldn’t find any little tushies to smack.

Lieber considers spanking to be morally indistinguishable from wife beating. Hey, I’m no male chauvinist pig, but if your wife has made a habit of willfully throwing the silverware in the toilet or running the cat’s tail through the sewing machine, maybe she needs a little more than a “time out.”

Lieber (who has no children of her own – only cats) accepts as incontrovertible fact the premise that spanking teaches kids to use violence – or at least to hack up a hairball on the new carpet. Yup, even the mildest and most infrequent applications of spanking supposedly teach children that it’s okay to bully and dominate weaker people. Especially weaker people who are trying to jam a fork into the electrical outlet.

Ten European countries have banned spanking, and of course Lieber wants California to emulate them. (“But, Ma, all the cool countries are staying up until 4 a.m. on school nights and hanging out with 30-year-old escaped convicts.”).

Good liberal that she is, I’m sure Lieber will write some common sense exemptions into the law. Although there will be a ban on corporal punishment for something trivial like decorating a motel room with permanent markers, parents will probably be allowed to tackle the child and give him a full Nelson if he’s doing something self-destructive like eating red meat or reciting “Now I lay me down to sleep…”

The law supposedly targets parents and other caregivers applying physical discipline, but once the camel’s nose is under the tent, you can look for siblings to be under scrutiny for causing emotional scars. NBC may soon be airing “Law And Order: ‘Suzie Looked At Me!’ Unit.”

* Sigh* Don’t bother trying to reason with Lieber about different personalities and different situations. Just get in line for a campaign T-shirt. (“C’mon, quit clowning around and pretending to trip on the shirt hem. You know one size fits all!”)

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