Chastity Begins At Home

Apparently a coalition of advocacy groups (including Planned Parenthood and the American Civil Liberties Union) has exerted enough pressure to shut down a brand new Health and Human Services Dept. website.

The website (www.4parents.gov) was billed as a resource for parents who feel uncomfortable talking to their teens about sex. (This is not to be confused with the Homeland Security Department website for parents who do not feel uncomfortable talking to their teens about sex: -- We Know Where You Live, Pervert.gov. )

4parents.gov questioned the effectiveness of condoms at preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, and emphasized the importance of abstinence before marriage. (“We’re from the government and we’re here to turn the hose on you.”) At least the government practices what it preaches. (“Remember…don’t climb into bed with defense contractors until you’re officially sworn in.”)

The opponents of the site give a nod to chastity as a Utopian dream but call for facing reality and making contraceptives readily available. Of course many of these realists are the same people who say, “If we can just convince every single American to spontaneously give up his automobile, then we wouldn’t have to drill for oil in Alaska, and we could convert all the oil derricks to pump lemonade and gumdrops.”

The opponents castigate 4parents for having an “agenda” and offering only very narrow, right-wing information. The opponents are much too busy for biases, what with developing their new pro-choice cartoon character, “Blob O’Tissue.”

Luckily, groups such as Planned Parenthood and the ACLU want teens to know all their options. (“Did you realize that you can burn the American flag and recite George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On The Radio, while you’re enjoying sex?”)

The opponents accuse the 4parents message of being fear-based. Still, it’s the opponents who say things like “Unless you come to the rescue by taking a transvestite to the prom, the Republicans will cut off your granny’s Social Security!”

Granted, the opponents can have their mellow moments, as with the pamphlet “Your Friend The Condom.” (“Sure, sometimes he’s like a human friend and lets you down, but don’t you just feel you could kick the whole world’s butt when you’re together?”)


The opponents accuse 4parents of being dishonest, incompetent, ignorant, discriminatory, and mean-spirited. And, oh yeah -- “judgmental”!!!!

4parent.gov’s detractors are appealing to the Cool Parents, the ones who say, “Well, as long as everyone else is jumping off the bridge -- but be sure to wear these clean underwear for the ambulance, young man.” They’re trying to hedge their bets and would probably revise The Ten Commandments with prohibitions like “Thou shalt not steal -- but if you do, I’ve got this buddy who runs a pawn shop…”

Perhaps a compromise is possible. Instead of handing out guilt trips or condoms, school nurses could end teenage sex by handing out three jobs and a mortgage. Need a second opinion? (“Okay, here’s face cream and one of those nightgowns that old married women wear!”)

With or without resources from Health and Human Services, I’m confident that I’ll be ready with all the facts when baby Gideon needs his “birds and bees” talk, especially if we’re looking at photos of his mother in the maternity ward. (“That darned stork showed up at the hospital just as Mom was having minor elective surgery! Can you believe it???”)