Fishing For Compliments
Do you enjoy being pierced through the skin with giant fish hooks and suspended from the ceiling by a system of ropes and pulleys?
If not, you must not be part of the “body suspension” movement that involves thousands of Americans.
The movement is so well organized that it even has conventions. At a recent convention in Rhode Island, people paid $100 each to hang and $15 each just to watch. But the organizers shouldn’t get cocky. Next winter some canny entrepreneur will set up a booth outdoors and undercut them by letting thrill-seekers stick their tongue on an icy flag pole for a buck.
One of my co-workers denounced the body suspenders as “morons,” but I prefer to be charitable and live by maxims such as “Live and let scab over” and “Whatever floats your boat…er, whatever narrowly misses mutilating your connective tissue.”
Practitioners have various explanations for their unconventional hobby: rite of passage, exploring the unknown, learning to trust themselves and the universe, overcoming fear, etc. Some say they feel “empowered.” Maybe it’s just me, but when someone is empowered, I want him using his power to rescue kittens from trees or throw Lex Luthor in jail -- not doing impressions of the Captain D’s “catch of the day.”
Some body suspension fans claim to derive a “spiritual experience” from the hobby.. Clergymen all over the country are probably smacking their foreheads and moaning, “We wasted all that effort on sermons and choirs! What we needed was pews with splinters and protruding nails!”
Some practitioners experience feelings of euphoria. But they aren’t as euphoric as stockholders of BASS Pro Shops, who have found a whole new market segment with waaaay too much time on its hands.
Many people get into body suspension because you can get only so many tattoos and piercings. But what happens when body suspension itself gets old? How will fans up the ante? (“Dude, this is my buddy Charlie. We had him cleaned and mounted. Sorry, Charlie.”)
Practitioners are quick to point out that many cultures over the years have practiced some form of body suspension for worship, meditation, or killing time until there’s another volcano to pitch a virgin into. . Of course most of these cultures are long gone, showing the value of trusting yourself and the universe!
Ha! People said Galileo was crazy, too -- when he insisted that the earth isn’t the center of the universe. Of course he didn’t have the whole picture -- that the center of the universe is really attention-craving adrenaline junkies.
One website advises body suspenders on how to handle the media. They’re warned not to let local reporters make them look weird or goofy. That’s like telling an NBA team, “Don’t let the anchorman give the impression that at least a few of you read ‘Ebony.’”
A tutorial on body suspension recommended various sanitary tips, including massaging the wounds to “burp” the air out. Great -- even with a bunch of 25-year-old hyperactive males, you get dragged into a Tupperware party!
If you’re still squeamish about body suspension, its proponents will good-naturedly tell you “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Of course the proponents risk being hoist on their own petard when a critic supplies the rejoinder “Growing the @#$% up: don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
If not, you must not be part of the “body suspension” movement that involves thousands of Americans.
The movement is so well organized that it even has conventions. At a recent convention in Rhode Island, people paid $100 each to hang and $15 each just to watch. But the organizers shouldn’t get cocky. Next winter some canny entrepreneur will set up a booth outdoors and undercut them by letting thrill-seekers stick their tongue on an icy flag pole for a buck.
One of my co-workers denounced the body suspenders as “morons,” but I prefer to be charitable and live by maxims such as “Live and let scab over” and “Whatever floats your boat…er, whatever narrowly misses mutilating your connective tissue.”
Practitioners have various explanations for their unconventional hobby: rite of passage, exploring the unknown, learning to trust themselves and the universe, overcoming fear, etc. Some say they feel “empowered.” Maybe it’s just me, but when someone is empowered, I want him using his power to rescue kittens from trees or throw Lex Luthor in jail -- not doing impressions of the Captain D’s “catch of the day.”
Some body suspension fans claim to derive a “spiritual experience” from the hobby.. Clergymen all over the country are probably smacking their foreheads and moaning, “We wasted all that effort on sermons and choirs! What we needed was pews with splinters and protruding nails!”
Some practitioners experience feelings of euphoria. But they aren’t as euphoric as stockholders of BASS Pro Shops, who have found a whole new market segment with waaaay too much time on its hands.
Many people get into body suspension because you can get only so many tattoos and piercings. But what happens when body suspension itself gets old? How will fans up the ante? (“Dude, this is my buddy Charlie. We had him cleaned and mounted. Sorry, Charlie.”)
Practitioners are quick to point out that many cultures over the years have practiced some form of body suspension for worship, meditation, or killing time until there’s another volcano to pitch a virgin into. . Of course most of these cultures are long gone, showing the value of trusting yourself and the universe!
Ha! People said Galileo was crazy, too -- when he insisted that the earth isn’t the center of the universe. Of course he didn’t have the whole picture -- that the center of the universe is really attention-craving adrenaline junkies.
One website advises body suspenders on how to handle the media. They’re warned not to let local reporters make them look weird or goofy. That’s like telling an NBA team, “Don’t let the anchorman give the impression that at least a few of you read ‘Ebony.’”
A tutorial on body suspension recommended various sanitary tips, including massaging the wounds to “burp” the air out. Great -- even with a bunch of 25-year-old hyperactive males, you get dragged into a Tupperware party!
If you’re still squeamish about body suspension, its proponents will good-naturedly tell you “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.” Of course the proponents risk being hoist on their own petard when a critic supplies the rejoinder “Growing the @#$% up: don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
posted by Danny Tyree at 7:12 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home