Parents Translate The Darnedest Things

Go get a goo goo – it’s intelligible.

That jingle may soon be stuck in your head. That’s because the AFP news service reports that Japanese researchers have developed a translator for baby talk!

(You may recall that three years ago the Japanese marketed Bowlingual, a machine for interpreting dog barks. One of the test dogs allegedly remarked, “I am most pleased to eat the honorable roadkill, but raw fish???? Am I on ‘Candid Camera’ or something????”)

By analyzing an infant’s cries, facial expressions, and body temperature changes, the gadget purportedly deciphers the child’s wants and fears.

I’ll tell you what I fear – the sort of jolting verbiage that might erupt from the supposedly innocent infant mind. You might think the little darling is cooing “I love Grandma,” but his babblings might actually be “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? I’m a good boy! Now hurry up and make out your doggone will!” and “What’s this obsession with the whereabouts of Thumbkin? Are you a stalker or something?”

Things could get even uglier. What if the infant has copped a teenage attitude and just needs the device to unleash his frustrations? Parents would be bombarded with petulant whines of “You guys remember to walk 20 feet behind the stroller” and “Mom, if anybody sees you breastfeeding me, pretend we don’t know each other.”

I’m not even sure I trust the gadget to deliver an accurate representation of the baby’s intentions. It’s too tempting to rig the device to deliver commercial messages. You find your baby pulling the cat’s tail and the cat clawing the baby. You could pretty well surmise the baby’s feeling via low-tech means, but no – you turn it over to the translator. Surprise, surprise -- the little darling is actually remarking, “Homeowners, did you know that electric water heaters are 30 percent more efficient than gas water heaters?”

What’s cute about baby talk with no mystery? I share the sentiments of the song “Let Them Be Little .” When my 14-month old Gideon cuts loose with a stream of nonsense words and wild gestures, I like to imagine that he’s a campfire sing-along director, a senator filibustering a judicial nomination, or a preacher delivering a “poop and brimstone” sermon. (Although, I wish he wouldn’t use unleavened ladybugs for communion wafers.)

It would be hypocritical of me not to treasure Gideon’s ramblings, since I am told that many of them make more sense than these columns.

I appreciate the humanitarian motives of those who would like a tool for pinpointing the causes of a baby’s pain or discomfort. But I don’t think the device is a cure-all. The machine might translate the baby’s mournful cries accurately, but once the parents consulted their insurance handbook and encountered words such as “out-of-network,” “co-pay,” and “elective,” it would be the parents doing the wailing.

I think the more urgent need is to develop a translator for lawyer-speak, or even doctors. “Eat less and exercise regularly.” Who can make heads or tails of mumbo jumbo like that???

Ultimately, I just don’t think it’s in the divine plan for adults to understand children so early. If God had meant for babies to be understood, our first recorded utterance from Moses would have been, “Watch me part the waters as I wee wee in your face!”