Show And Tell, 2005 Style

“Teacher, teacher, I declare – I sent Suzie to the electric chair!”

That schoolyard chant is not so farfetched. According to the Associated Press, approximately 2000 schools and colleges have adopted Student Crime Stoppers programs in which students are given rewards for being tattletales. The program is so pervasive that NBC is considering a series called “Law and Order: WVU” (Wedgie Victims Unit).

Rewards may include cash, pizza, premium parking spaces, and other incentives. Amounts vary depending on the nature of the offense. Schools might pay $100 for information about an act of vandalism, $500 for information about a crime involving a gun, $1,000 for catching some thug humming “Jesus Loves Me”…

Vandalism, bullying, and cheating have always been a part of the academic experience, but the recent spate of school shootings has given a sense of urgency to stopping problems before they happen. One administrator explains the need to subordinate privacy to security. “Guns can cut short a student’s potential for a lucrative career in running laps or knowing the 1985 per capita income of Luxembourg. Guns can snuff out young lives in an instant. We would prefer to snuff out young lives the slow way, with all the junk food in school vending machines.”

In these security-conscious times, the whole atmosphere at school is different than most of us remember. Old-fashioned hall monitors can’t compare to the anonymous spies of today. Instead of wrist corsages, guys give their prom date a tracking anklet. Teachers can be heard saying, “All right, children – line up for your x-rays…er, class picture.” Cheers include “Two, four, six, eight – give up your right to litigate!” The old “Dick and Jane” primers now include stories such as “See Spot sniff drugs. Sniff drugs, Spot, sniff drugs.”

Of course the programs are geared to maintain the self-esteem of even the most heinous young criminals. Snitch reports must be carefully worded, such as “I saw Bruce smoking in the boys’ room, but the puffs of smoke were reminiscent of the work of a young Picasso.”

Some psychologists worry that the Crime Stoppers programs could destroy the sense of community among students. Yes, there is such an abundance of camaraderie and trust in schools. (“Trust me…you smile at my ex-boyfriend one more time and I’ll snatch you baldheaded, you marching band geek!”)

Civil libertarians worry that because of greed or vendettas, students will abuse the system and try to frame innocent classmates. (“Okay, maybe Brad didn’t start that there French Revolution, but I know he thought about it.”)

It’s a noble sentiment to nip violence in the bud, but the Crime Stoppers program may backfire. In the era of The Sopranos, students who are even suspected of being informants may find that nap time has become “sleeping with the fishes time.” (“Mrs. Othelmeyer, there’s a finger in my finger paint!”)

Much to the consternation of school officials, many students opt not to play whistleblower. For some it’s a matter of friendship. For some it’s a matter of staving off an Orwellian future. For most, they know they can’t claim their prize without enduring another lecture about the miracle of compound interest.

For good or bad, the Crime Stoppers program is here to stay. Unless the snitches decide to branch out.

“My biology experiment today is about what I learned in the teachers’ lounge…”

“Class dismissed!”