Consigning Limbaugh To Limbo?

Originally published in newspapers the week of February 21, 2003.

If you're smitten with conservative talk radio hosts such as G. Gordon Liddy and Rush Limbaugh, be forewarned that not everyone feels the same way.

A group of leftward-leaning investors from Chicago is trying to form a liberal radio network to challenge the aforementioned broadcasters.

Some media analysts have theorized that liberal hosts haven't caught on previously because none of them has been as entertaining as Liddy and company. Perhaps the prospective hosts could jazz up their programs with liberal songs such as "She Applies Hard For The Money"; "Take A Green Card, Maria"; "Don't Blame It On The Bossa Nova - Blame It On the Capitalist Pigs"; "Ain't Too Proud To Whine"; "I Could Have Taxed All Night"; and "It's Not Unusual (To Be Loved By Any Gender)."

Such a network would have no trouble lining up sponsors. First in line would be Malcontent Matchmaker Inc. ("Are you lonely because you haven't been in any good protest marches lately? Run out of causes? No problem. Did you know that maximum security prison inmates are denied the right to make up their own messages for license plates? That most drug addicts make less than a living wage for turning in used needles? That only a few cities require angry motorists to cuss other drivers bilingually? That the condoms your first-grader is receiving at school are made with non-union labor? Pick the social issue that starts your blood pumping. America: hate it or leave it.")

Other sponsors would include Entitle-Mints ("the candy that keeps on taking"), the Terrorism Survival Kit ("If your schoolchild is critically injured by terrorists, this alarm will sound if any faculty members dare say a prayer over him"), Irrational Quota Studios ("Lights...camera... affirmative action!"), and Acme Crowbar Company ("Prying the Second Amendment from your cold, lifeless fingers since 1975.")


Such "progressive" advertisers would be proud to fill a void on the airwaves. The hosts would have the power to sway public opinion and avert tragedies. ("We stopped the new abortion clinic from being built on protected wetlands. Doctors will instead be aborting fetuses on a site where no pond scum is injured.")

Guest speakers from the ACLU will inform us that we're downtrodden in areas we hadn't even considered. ("Kids, did you know that when you give a classmate a note asking, 'Do you love me? Check yes or no,' and they put the wrong answer, that's a hate crime?")

The hosts will have a bully pulpit for putting us in remembrance of lofty sentiments, such as the message on the Statue of Liberty ("Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to vote for the party that dishes out the most freebies...")

America could turn to the hosts for advice. ("My 10th-grader was going to put strychnine in his gym teacher's coffee, but because he couldn't read, he put it in the principal's mug by mistake." "How embarrassing! I hope they gave the poor boy self-esteem counseling!")

The hosts could defend liberal theology from slanderous attacks. ("The fundamentalists claim our views are too weird, but if Jesus were here today, She'd tell you herself that...")

Stay tuned. Should be interesting. This is Danny Tyree, signing off until next time. Cue music. "She'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her internal combustion engine takes the ozone layer away..."

What A Wacky Web We Weave

Originally published in newspapers June 2004.

Martha Stewart notwithstanding, it’s sometimes neat to have insider information.

For 18 years, I wrote the “Dan T’s Inferno” column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” magazine. Although I’ve been away from writing about comic books for three years, my anonymous sources are still coming through for me.

You doubt my connections? You’re not what Spider-Man co-creator Stan Lee would call a True Believer? Then feast your eyes on the following list of The Most Surprising Plot Twists In The Upcoming “Spider-Man 2” movie:

* In an updating of the original movie’s theme, our hero comes to realize that “With great power there must also come great Halliburton contracts.”

* Spider-Man goes over to the dark side and uses his electronic “spider tracer” to cheat at games of “Where’s Waldo?”

* The movie almost ends after just five minutes when “Daily Bugle” Publisher J. Jonah Jameson discovers that the whole Spider-Man story was concocted by those reporters he hired away from the “New York Times.”

* Dr. Octopus and his robotic arms make it through airport security without a hitch, but Aunt May Parker is busted for transporting Weapons of Mass Nail-clipping.

* Superman denounces Spider-Man for being a “hyphenated American.”

* Despite what the movie promos on TV might lead you to believe, Spidey doesn’t resign from super-heroics entirely. He does slow down the pace with his new identity as 17-Year-Cicada Man.

* Dr. Octopus throws the economy into disarray by using all his arms to clip coupons simultaneously.

* Age catches up with the webspinner; his defensive “spider sense” now tingles only to warn him when his fly is open.

* For the climactic battle scene supporters of Spider-Man line up on one side of the street. Supporters of Dr. Octopus line up on the other side of the street. John Kerry wears out the crosswalk.

* Spidey gets rich by suing the architects of the buildings that he keeps getting thrown off of. (Phase 2 of litigation scam: drink cups of scalding hot McDonald’s coffee while fighting crime.)

* Spidey borrows a line from The Incredible Hulk while promoting the purchase of “Spider-Man 2”-related merchandise. (“You wouldn’t like me when I’m remaindered.”)

* Spider-Man becomes the poster boy of “junk science” advocates. (“If getting bitten by a radioactive spider gives you superhuman strength and agility, global warming will make you faster than a speeding bullet!”)

* In a romantic scene, Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker reveals to Mary Jane Watson the secret ingredient in his sticky web fluid: Seabiscuit!

Sounds exciting, huh? Well, hang on to your seats, because it won’t be long until “Spider-Man 3” arrives in theaters. Who will be the villain? The Lizard? Mysterio? Venom? Will The Green Goblin demand a rematch?

None of the above. Don’t quote me, but rumor has it that “Spider-Man 3” will feature Spidey thrashing the most nefarious evil-doers of all: Mothers Who Threw Out Their Kids’ Old Comic Books.

Or have they suffered enough already?

W.W.J.D. (What Would Justin Do?)

“God is bigger than any zit I have.”

“You’re just my Heavenly Stepfather; I Don't Have To Do What You Say."

Okay, maybe those magazine article titles are a slight exaggeration, but they're in the spirit of "Revolve," a groundbreaking new publication from Bible publisher Thomas Nelson.

"Revolve" contains the entire New Testament, but in glossy magazine format, with quizzes, graphics, and sidebars similar to those in "Glamour," "Vogue," or "Seventeen."

"Revolve" came about because someone suddenly discovered that teenage girls find the traditional leatherbound Bible to be boring with a capital B. Ha! Such a realization is nothing new. I'm sure Saint Paul sat there in a dank prison cell for the umpteenth year, with only Mr. Jingles the mouse for companionship, and prayed fervently, "Dear Lord, please don't let this epistle bore a teenage girl somewhere. Yea, verily, smite their tedium."

"Revolve" fills a vital niche because teenage girls fail to find the standard Bible relevant to their lives. Really. The Bible merely has accounts of birth, death, love, hate, hope, faith, war, betrayal, and the like. How could that compete with Justin Timberlake's favorite flavor of ice cream for relevance?

"Revolve" arrives not a minute too soon, because teenage girls find the cold gray type of the usual Bible to be intimidating. Great! Tomorrow's Leaders are afraid of adjectives and adverbs, but they feel no qualms about announcing things like "Mom and Dad, this is my new boyfriend Snake, his grandson Spider, and their personal parole officer."

Despite my trepidation, "Revolve" is a runaway hit. So I expect we'll soon be seeing the Bible according to other popular magazines:


* Home Computing ("Lazarus Rebooted!")

* Modern Maturity ("Do This In Remembrance Of Where You Put Your Eyeglasses")

* Forbes ("The Love of Money Is The Root Of All Mutual Fund Diversification")

* Car and Driver ("Elijah's Fiery Chariot: Prototype Of The Ford Pinto?")

* Maxim ("God Said It Was Okay For Goliath To Get Stoned")

* Psychology Today ("Why Adam Would've Hated His Mother, If He'd Had A Mother")

* GQ ("Look Suave Even In Sackcloth And Ashes")

* Sports Illustrated ("Why Didn't Jesus Cure The Blind Umpires?")

* Humpty Dumpty ("So You Can Count To 666 Now. Very Good. Scary, But Very Good")

* National Geographic ("See Our Fold-Out Of Topless African Dancers -- You Lust-Controlled Heathen!")

* Fitness ("Turned Into A Pillar of Salt? Watch For These Signs of Hypertension")

* Cosmopolitan ("100 Hot Tips For When Your Man Denies You Thrice")

* Progressive Farmer ("Jesus Feeds 5,000 -- But The Middle Man Gets All The Credit")

* Reader's Digest ("Methusaleh: The Most Unforgettable 5 Million Persons I Ever Met")

* Martha Stewart's Living ("Remember All That Stuff About Mercy? Pardon? Forgiveness?")

Pragmatist that I am, I'll give a grudging approval to many unorthodox projects that get people interested in the Good Book. But I draw the line at the new brainstorm of inscribing the Lord's Prayer on Britney Spears' thigh. Even offstage, she can't stand still long enough for you to read it. Oh, no wonder! It's just Mr. Jingles, Britney. Bad, Mr. Jingles!

Originally published in newspapers in 2003.

Signs You're Sharing A Tent With The Wrong Civil War Reenactor

20. His rebel yell sounds suspiciously like, “He shoots! He scores!”
19. Has to use an allergy medicine inhaler before singing “Eatin’ Goober Peas.”
18. Always gets Lady Godiva and Nathan Bedford Forrest mixed up.
17. Constantly muttering that Lincoln should have freed the extraterrestrials while he was freeing the slaves.
16. Can’t remember if it’s rock, paper, or scissors that beats minnie balls.
15. Tries to get an urgent message to General Sherman: Priceline.com can save him a ton of money on his March To The Sea.
14. Not worried about amputation, because stem cell research will probably fix him right up.
13. Instead of “the blue and the gray,” he campaigns for “shirts and skins.”
12. His plan to go out in a blaze of glory involves, not a valiant charge on a hill position, but a “wardrobe malfunction” with Justin Timberlake.
11. He has vivid memories of being in Cambodia at Christmas of 1968.
10. Keeps asking the slaves, “Who handles your 401(k) benefits package?”
9. Thinks “stars and bars” has something to do with Charlie Sheen’s drinking buddies.
8. Refuses to raid anything except Atkins-approved supply lines.
7. Facing execution for charges of spying, all he can think of to say in his defense is, “Thank you?”
6. Thinks the Mason-Dixon Line is something new for fall at Old Navy.
5. Upon hearing a cry of “Cannonball!,” grabs his Speedos and water wings.
4. Keeps chuckling to himself and referring to Day 2 of the battle as “the day the zombies arise.”
3. Describes the battles in detail in long letters home to his personal injury lawyer.
2. Swaps his canteen for a belt-loop cappuccino machine.
1. Late at night, suddenly announces, “I haven’t been with a woman since fourscore and seven years ago.”

Tyree's Stocking Runneth Over

They’re like “stocking stuffers” for a columnist.

I’m speaking of news items that may not be worthy of an entire column themselves, but are nonetheless fascinating to examine.

For instance, the MixedBlessing company is selling “Chrismukkah” greeting cards that combine Christmas and Hanukkah. If we’re so lazy we have to jam holidays together, let’s combine Easter, the Fourth of July, and April Fool’s Day. Hi-jinks would ensue as unsuspecting kiddies chomp down on Easter eggs that are actually cherry bombs. (And their teeth probably wouldn’t be much worse off.)

An Israeli university has successfully created artificial spider webs. I guess next they’ll be working on freeze-dried dust bunnies, microwavable rat droppings, and Plague-o’-Locusts-In-A-Can. (To the scientists’ credit, the webs do have legitimate purposes, such as making surgical thread, producing bullet-proof vests, putting The Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus in jail, etc.)

Other Israeli scientists are using laser beams to zap certain cases of bad breath. If the James Bond approach to hygiene continues, we may see fountain pen guns for trimming your toenails. I know I’ve often wished I had an ejector seat for dealing with flatulent passengers.

One would think that with PLO terrorists lurking about, Israeli scientists would have bigger concerns than halitosis. At least their breath will be kissing sweet when a Palestinian bomb goes off and they kiss their rear ends goodbye.

Then there are the attention-deprived people who will be kissing $49.95 goodbye when they purchase the latest fad item: glow-in-the-dark thongs. Sadly, many of the folks who have no modesty have a lot to be modest about. At least these buttocks-illuminating garments may play an educational role on children’s TV. (“Golly, Mr. Science, is there any way I can possibly invite sexually transmitted diseases faster than just wearing a low-cut blouse?”)

James Gardner, a Portland, Ore., lawyer has written a book postulating that super-intelligent extraterrestrials created our entire universe (stars, planets, comets, black holes, and all). I’ll bet there was a push for zoning after that! At best, Gardner puts Jehovah in the role of a subcontractor. (“You have a bad track record for filling out government paperwork on smiting people, but at least you had the low bid.”)

A Chicago company called LifeGems is offering to turn part of the cremated remains of your loved ones into synthetic diamonds. This shouldn’t be surprising, considering the wave of products and services to get the bereaved to turn loose of more and more money. (“Since you can’t take it with you, we’ll take it with us – to Cancun.”)

LifeGems will probably have commercials with Marilyn Monroe cooing, “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend (or at least eight ounces of her best friend).” This jewelry seems needlessly stressful to me. It’s bad enough having to remember your wife’s birthday, without having to remember not to let her fall into the garbage disposal.

I guess if your spouse was a real pain, you could remember them just as they were by having LifeGems convert them into a thong!!

But don’t spend December obsessing over gadgets and weird theories. Remember the reason for the Christmas season. As for Easter, do not pay attention to the new greeting cards. Jesus had more important reasons for coming out of his tomb than just yelling at the neighbor kids for shooting off bottle rockets!

This column originally appeared in newspapers the week of December 6, 2004.

Baby Gideon's First Christmas

Baby Gideon Lewis Tyree turned nine months old on December 6. We didn’t get to dwell on that milestone because he’s already in high gear for his first Christmas.

I know it’s a cliché, but having a child around the house (after 13 years of a two-person household) helps me see Christmas in a different light. For instance, I wonder if the Wise Men started out as Wise Babies. (“How wise is baby Balthazar? Soooooo wise!!”)

As a pre-toddler, Gideon gets to coast on the “naughty or nice” stuff this year. The bar is set pretty low, sort of like for Cabinet-level positions. (“I soiled myself and don’t know what I’m talking about —but at least I didn’t hire an illegal nanny.” “Good, you’re nominated.”)

Gideon is still at the age where we can take him along shopping for his own gifts. It’s an emotional trip, filled with separation anxiety. No, not about getting lost in the department store -- about getting separated from my paycheck. (Remember the popular Christmas song “I Saw Mommy Overdrafting Santa Claus”?)

Gideon enjoys the Christmas lights and decorations, but to be completely honest, he could also spend long stretches amusing himself with my jacket zipper, the Spider-Man slippers he got for Halloween, or a postcard of paint drying. He hasn’t been particularly impressed by the “five-foot dancing Santa” at a major retailer. As the jolly old elf gyrates and thrashes about, Gideon seems to be thinking, “Someone get this patient an epidural!”

Gideon should be quite the conversationalist by the time he meets his little cousins at Christmas dinner. His vocabulary already includes “Mama,” “Dada,” “good,” “bye-bye,” “cat,” “cookie,” “button,” and “Barbara” (his babysitter’s name). Of course the rest of it is gibberish, bearing a striking resemblance to the instructions that come with “some assembly required” toys.

Sometimes babies grasp just enough of Christmas traditions to be confused. Especially breastfed babies. (“Okay, which one dispenses eggnog, and which one dispenses boiled custard?”)


We still aren’t letting Gideon watch TV, so he has yet to make the acquaintance of Rudolph, The Grinch, or Frosty. But he’s being exposed to a wide range of Christmas carols. Right now the most appropriate one for him seems to be “All I Want For Christmas Is My Tube of Teething Gel.”

We hope to add to Gideon’s book collection this Christmas. And not necessarily just with books written specifically for children. There are also adult books adapted for youngsters, such as Mitch Albom’s “The Five People You Spit Up On In Heaven.”


Some of my childless friends wonder why we’re so excited about this Christmas, why we’re going to so much trouble over an event Gideon won’t even remember. (Of course some of them have taken expensive Vegas vacations with nothing to show for it except a mysterious wedding ring and a hangover.)

Well, someday Gideon will be able to watch the videotapes of his first Christmas -- and the 8 millimeter films of his Mommy’s early Christmases. And if he visits the Smithsonian, he can see the drawings of Daddy fighting off the saber-tooth tigers to open his packages.

Maybe Gideon can even visit the Secretary of Huggies Security for a rousing rendition of “I Saw Mommy Resuscitating Dick Cheney.”

How desperate is Danny Tyree for a punchline? Sooooo desperate!