More Motivated Than Thou

My boss is not sending me to the big “Get Motivated” seminar at Gaylord Entertainment Center on April 25.

So you might dismiss this essay as sour grapes. I just like to think of it as random skeptical thoughts about the world of inspirational speakers.

Let’s face it: some speakers tend to milk a catch phrase for all it’s worth. (“There is no ‘I’ in team. There is no ‘f” in phantasm. There is no ‘u’ in color – unless you’re from England and…”)

Granted, businessmen sometimes find themselves unable to see the forest for the trees and need help increasing productivity. Professional motivational speakers bring a fresh perspective, unique insights, a bowl of fortune cookies with sage inspirational sayings…

Apparently these glorified pep rallies bring results. One salesman issued a testimonial that his sales tripled directly as a result of last year’s seminar. Tripled? How could he be missing his potential by that wide a margin? I guess the seminar had to teach him, “Do not open a sales call by asking, ‘Do you have Prince Albert in a can?’”

I don’t know about the Gaylord seminar in particular, but motivational speakers tend to oversimplify and gloss over a few steps. They dish out dynamic tips, such as “Taking the lessons you learned from losing your first million…” and “Develop the right attitude, and you can be anything you want – even the boss’s idiot brother.”

Sports figures will offer practical advice for the masses, such as “While you’re getting the cop to tear up your speeding ticket, sell him a house that matches the color of his eyes.”

I understand that comedian Jerry Lewis (one of the Gaylord speakers) will probably get in tune with the common man by advising, “Okay, first you get the French to love you. Then…”

Do you get the impression that some of the speakers are slumming? Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani kept essential services (fire, police, hospitals) functioning in the aftermath of September 11. Now he’ll teach you to sell people junk they don’t really need, in the aftermath of the prime rate going up a quarter of a point.

General Tommy Franks will be trying to shoehorn his wisdom into the civilian world. I can just imagine “When life hands you chipped beef on toast, make lemonade,” “If a prospect hangs up on you, court-martial the bum,” and other pearls dreamed up while sitting on an $800 Pentagon toilet seat.

I like level playing fields as much as the next guy, but isn’t there something surrealistic about the way the seminar is giving the same secrets to all comers, including companies that are in direct competition with each other? And what happens when you’re trying to sell to a customer who already knows all your tricks? (“Okay, this is a standoff. Let’s lay our order pads on the floor and back away slowly so no one gets hurt.”)

Admission at the door is $225, but an entire office can attend for the unbelievably low price of $49. I hear that the promoters fear some cut-rate speakers bureau will produce a competing seminar, at which local retail clerks tell audience members to “Have a good’un.”

Ultimately, I guess motivational speakers are okay, up there in their ivory towers. But I wonder how they would perform down in the trenches facing the demoralizing daily grind with the individuals they preach to?

Offices would be buzzing with “Wassamatter? Never saw a photocopy of Zig Ziglar’s buttocks?” and “Forget a Super Bowl ring. I’ve got free office supplies!”